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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine

Tell her to make me a cambric shirt
(On the side of a hill in the deep forest green)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
(Tracing a sparrow on snow-crested ground)
Without no seams nor needlework
(Blankets and bedclothes the child of the mountain)
Then she'll be a true love of mine
(Sleeps unaware of the clarion call)

Tell her to find me an acre of land
(On the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
(Washes the ground with so many tears)
Between the salt water and the sea strand
(A soldier cleans and polishes a gun)
Then she'll be a true love of mine

Tell her to reap it in a sickle of leather
(War bellows, blazing in scarlet battalions)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
(Generals order their soldiers to kill)
And to gather it all in a bunch of heather
(And to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten)
Then she'll be a true love of mine

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine

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Nov. 20th, 2009 @ 09:29 pm Older entries from another journal
Like Fire, Hell fire...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj1v5tXs9Jo (what would I do without youtube?)
I don't know why this song is driving me crazy. I feel it rippling across my skin like fever. It was one of those things you hear when you're a kid, and it strikes you hard enough to make your mental teeth rattle (mental teeth? really? baha) and you try hard to ponder abstract things you could not possibly fathom at such an age. Lust, rapturous despair, dark, blazing, gut-wrenching desire.

I love to write when I'm inspired like that, but it only comes when I'm not expecting it, and the more I listen to whatever song, or smell whatever scent, the inspiration fades... trickling water from hands, a dream upon waking.

I wonder if that's something that everyone struggles with, or if I just don't have the capacity to access those abstract thoughts and capture them for mine own. lol I just pictured myself walking into a hunting shop ... "I need a thought trap." "... 'the hell you talkin'bout girl?" "like.. .rope or something." (I'll find her even if I have to burn down all of Paris).

lol I obsess about this, this constant inspiration. It's like without it, the words will only ever be words. Hypocrisy. It's why artistic people are so crazy. it's like they're addicted to it, whatever sweeps them off of their feet, whatever overcomes them and makes them gasp for air as cold waves crash against them, flinging them onto exotic, forbidding beaches.

It could be heartbreak. It could be unrequited desire, heart wrenching betrayal, all of that high-drama happy crappy that makes the heart pound and the blood rush hot and sweet, roaring in your years.

I worry sometimes that I've become addicted to those bittersweet twists and turns for the sake of giving my words feeling. Maybe I'm so insecure and mildly self destructive when it comes to my relationships with friends, boys, and family because of more than simple knee-jerk reaction... (buh whaat? melodramatic self-reflection for the win!) It makes me feel like all those writers I used to scoff and make fun of in high-school because they just seemed like the biggest drama queens on the planet. I try to keep it in check.

LOL Like right now! I'm actually having trouble writing because my brain is saying "Wow. I was not aware that you were a fourteen year old girl gabbing "to her private journal" for all the world to see."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HN1ru6_u8lY - This video is hilarious, and it's what I was thinking of. It's called "Young girl talking about herself." Give it a try, dear hypothetical readers, I think you'll laugh.

Anyway, I just like to share those things that invoke such a deep reaction in me. This is one of those things for some reason. Another one would have to be "Arrival to Earth" from the original score from the first transformer's movie. Instead of monsters, Jablonsky portrays the autobot's fiery descent to earth's surface as one of angels coming. It's interesting. Very inspired.

Anyone else, whenever they think of their guts, think of pitch darkness with places where you're glistening red like the inside of a cave? Maybe that's just me... I think I got that vision from one of the scenes in Fantasia, honestly. Random weird factoid about Laura for the day.

mm... coffee in my belly... I'm just waiting for teh Mik-Mik to pick me up for the gym. Woot! After gym I have Wes and the arboretum to look forward to! doblewoot! I'mma learn about some trees.

This one's a little long. Sorry you guys.

Hugs and Love,
Laura Jeanne.


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Monday, November 16, 2009


Songlist for W
-Blood of the Chu-Chulain
- What have you Done?
- Beatmania Style Kick your "A"
- Afranova
- Max 300
- Paranoia

(Keep working on this)

Note for the day: People in Jackson are fucking stupid, but are greatly amused when I say so. Bravisimo Jackson people. Bravisimo.


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Sunday, November 15, 2009


It's not a sweet voice, but it's certainly eloquent
and quite skilled at articulating my worst nightmares... it's a thought voice, so it can express itself in that perfect, all-encompassing multi-sensual experience unmarred and filtered by the written word.

I do not resent his friendships with the other girls... quite the contrary... I appreciate his relationships with them, and I like how they help him understand my relationships with my boys...

But I'm not charismatic... I hardly ever know the right thing to say or do. And that voice is always telling me "You know, he's only with you because he can't be with..." or "He has these girls for emotional and intellectual fulfillment... what are you? Some kind of sweet little toy? You couldn't possibly be anything else."

It sucks.

It's lame.

It has ruined relationships for me.

But... Mike Aguero used to talk about the girl that showed up in his dreams... leaving me to feel like I was just some pillow warmer until she arrived. Michael Morrison? Damn and bless him, he just "dated" me without dating me until he could be sure that he got to keep us both. That's going to ruin me for a long fucking time, even if the feelings are gone.

With this boy... I don't know. I can't seem to stop saying stupid things. I can't seem to just relax and be crass and interesting and...you know... all the way "Me." It's so fucking rare that I just get to relax and not be afraid that I'm too boring or too loud or too cutesy or too dumb or too fat or too ignorant or too different... Too attached/detached...

And the worst part is? Things might be going great! But I'll just blow it because I'm panicking... but then tell myself that I'm just being ridiculous, that I, of course, am worthy of being someone's someone... and it blows up in my fucking face and I look like an idiot because I trusted someone...

It's so much easier to just stay translucent in polite society. It's so much easier to keep all of who you are all to yourself. I keep thinking of the metaphor I used a couple entries ago, about flying high above everything else and watching myself interact with other people until I get to be by myself again...

But I want to be able to be liked... I want the someone I think is wonderful... well... to find me wonderful as well. I want to be able to actually express myself in a manner that makes sense.

Whatever, I'm not really trying to bitch, I'm just trying to make sense of an anxiety that I've had forever. I'm just... not special. I'm not as special or as wonderful or smart or entertaining as I always thought I was.

I gotta go, I gotta keep practicing being social if I ever want to be able to be someone's "someone just for them."
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Aug. 22nd, 2009 @ 12:52 am One More Thing...
I absolutely adore falling asleep planning out stories...
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Aug. 22nd, 2009 @ 12:22 am Sitting with Mom watching the Nats Game in the Rain with a Beer... Priceless.
Current Location: Joey's Room!
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Will you lend a caring hand?
So I did a selfish thing this week. It's my last week of summer and I just wanted to spend it without accomodating and compromising and arguing. It was selfish, it was childish, and ultimately, it was genuinely unfair. I play a DnD game with my roommates every week (or so... lets just say this is not a one time thing, so no rationalization there). I missed it last week because I was in Maine, and most of the phone calls because I was there with no signal. This week, I did not want to listen to the recap that I knew would last for, at LEAST, forty minutes, and work for another twenty, thirty minutes on what I may or may not have been doing while the party was adventuring.

My jetta's water pump broke last week. No whines there, just something that happens with me from time to time. Cars explode. I like to think that I have level one or two of "gremlins." Anyway, I had to go home on thursday to pick it up. I had no idea whether or not I'd be back friday afternoon, and I did not want to be interrogated about it. I did not want to be pestered into finding out when I'd be back, I did not want to be guilted in playing a day earlier and then chastised for "making everyone change there schedules" so they can play when I want to play. I just want them to play without me if I can't be there. I don't want it to be a huge deal, I don't want to be on a leash controlled by everyone in that fucking house. (Not an excuse for igoring someone of course... that's one of the most hurtful things you can do to someone. Hence the guilt and the distinct feeling I was being childish)

So I just left. I didn't answer any phonecalls, I didn't answer any questions, I drove the game from my mind, convincing myself (ha. really?) that I'd deal with it later, and then just... didn't.

I don't want to quit for good because... well... really? Because I know that it isn't just a matter of me "quitting." It'll, somehow, on some weird, convoluted level, represent me quitting them. Quitting Sam and company. Does it sound ridiculous? Yeah! But they will all take it personally. I love my DM, I think he's a great guy, apart from the constant condescension and the even more incessant nagging. Every now and again, the game can be fun... I just get frustrated because when it starts varies on when everyone decides to meander in.. and it can go on for hours. and I mean HOURS.

I like the game... I do. So why can't I make myself be dedicated to it? I don't know... I am going to have to quit. I'm not being fair, and this is going to end friendships just as readily as quitting will, but at least I'll have had some balls.


Why is this such a big deal? It's not really... I was just feeling so supremely guilty and childish that I had to hash it out somewhere. I find that thoughts can be like a ball of yarn caught in a storm-wracked tree. This journal makes it a little easier to detangle them and see what I have.

To sum up:
- This week I wanted to not feel obligated to anyone... I just wanted to do what I wanted.
- This was probably because I felt obligated to do so many things, and I'm constantly feeling guilty about some thing or another.

What to do?
- Quit the game in person, apologize for not only quitting, but being a puss bucket.
- It doesn't represent something abstract,so don't worry if other people think that. That's their problem.

Probably work on the whole guilt thing...I'm actually missing pieces of the sides of my fingers because I chewed them to death... I fret. A lot. Too much.



HA! Now I'm wondering if anything I wrote made any sense above, because I just went on a rant. I was talking to Stuart last night, and I told him about how, when I really want to get something across, a story, an idea, an argument, etc. usually, it's like I have a thousand voices yelling at me, correcting, reminding, doubting, all at the same time and all really loud inside my head when I'm trying to speak. It's like trying to speak through someone else's conversation, or over a loud t.v. Is that something strange I should try to work out? Or is that something that most people have to deal with? I would assume the latter.

I'm obviously exhausted, and just rambling now. I've been thinking way too much, without writing any of it down, so now it's all kind of spilling onto the page. It kinda looks like I mixed too many colors together and got that nasty, gritty brown color.

Now I'm definitely going to bed.

things to discuss tomorrow! or whenever I come back here

-Attempting a Dr. Horrible production! (good luck sunshine)
-This semester! The Guild, Classes, Jobs, etc.
-Outlining my new story idea! so I don't forget it!

Good Night Everyone,

*~Laura~* (ha! fruity little asterisk, don't you look sharp?)
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Aug. 22nd, 2009 @ 12:11 am On the previous post, Lame.
For one thing, I did not keep up with THAT particular writing exercise... (do I ever? haha, of course not.)

For another thing, instead of sounding random with good ideas, it sounds like a fourteen year old trying to be poetic. Believe me I know what that sounds like, I still have my journal from taht time. LOL!

Anyway, I have stuff to talk about, but I'll wait till later. Right now? I would love to read something mindless in the tub.
About this Entry
love me
Apr. 8th, 2009 @ 08:08 pm On Angels
Current Location: An exercise in random thought.
Pretty faces.
Sad Faces.
Forgiving Faces.
Faces with soft smiles and knowing eyes.

Feathers spotted and striped, sun-faded and storm tattered. Strong wings, tired wings, broken wings. Wings of deepest white and brightest black.

Hands cool and dry, calloused. chipped nails, dirty nails, sweet scent like flowers and good earth. Like your mother's perfume. Calloused palms, soft touch. Firm grip. (they come out of the blue sky) Bare feet. Dirty feet.

Tanned faces. Pale faces. charcoal black and freckled faces.

Fathomless eyes. pursed brows and welled edges. Tears aren't hot, they don't burn, not cheeks nor eyelids nor the back of the throat. Exalted despair. Joy high and painful sweet.

Warm, strong embraces. Laughs like curtains hemmed with lace. Curtains white in the sun, obscuring the ocean sighing in the window. Voices rough and quiet, drops of spring and whispers of fall. Voices like snowflakes. Snowflakes flying by midnight. Cherry blossoms by morning.



*So*

As a writing exercise, I pick a topic, maybe a song, and just write randomly, no structure, no flow, just see what I come up with when thinking. We'll see how it goes.
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Jan. 19th, 2009 @ 12:25 pm A list...
Of Songs I want to look up when I get limewire on this lappa toppa!

Walking in Memphis
The Nearness of You
First Time/ Broken -Lifehouse
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Dec. 11th, 2008 @ 09:22 pm (no subject)
I've spent much of my time being a dreamer... instead of being passionate about one thing... or really working to be good at something I could talk about, I have spent a lot of my time pretending I was somewhere else. This would be good for a writer if I was a good writer... a decent writer... a non-sporadic writer...

I'll finish this after my damn take-home exam lol
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Dec. 3rd, 2008 @ 08:11 am For Justine's Benefit. I need help! thank you! Love you darling
silhouetted in Silent september
hands whisper in Almost touch
sharded silver longing unsheathed in moonlight
Mischievous glimmers... nothing More.
But Enough.

Shined tension in frosted air
Splintered stars cut cold and clear
and the mist rises from searing mouths
speaking clever silence between weighted words

I shiver. the fallen wind a shock
to Fevered skin.
your smile Aching, oh its helpless delight
in sadness (sorrow?)
You Burn Me.

to take an Autumned stance
heart's eyes overbright in a Shadowed face
as they gaze, calmly ablaze, on
Your Sprint to Damnation.

So too will my coltish feet follow
as the fearless day kneels to velvet night
or as fall's eyes close in Dread Acceptance
with the moon's gleeful glinted warning
alighted Folly on my path.

(Something about going on the path, just one line)

The Night Breaks.
sleet pelts arms
clings to curves and
sweltering napes
breath Caught in a throat raw with
reality and waking
I am Awake
and you're Burning me.

under this Harsh, omniscient september sky
your caress leaves Hissing weals stinging and steaming in the freezing rain
cold lips panting wet Heat
They Meld.

And seal our fate
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Dec. 2nd, 2008 @ 12:46 pm P.S.
Current Location: Library
Current Mood: Wistful
Current Music: World's End Soundtrack
Anyway... I'm just wondering allowed, because it's easy to do so when you can type so quickly and you're not shamed into silence by your inane babbling or someone else's more dire issues. I'm sure I sound nuts, or melodramatic, but actually? right now I'm feeling quite calm and content. I have a warm gingersnap chai in my belly, I've given up on turning my paper in on time, I have one of the most full and perfect songs playing agonizing and beautifully in my head...

"One Day." I feel like I've heard this song before... in those hazed, semi-colored spaces between memory that you have when you're very very young, that are so frustratingly blurry but stubbornly existent that they'd drive you mad if you thought about them too long... I feel like this song, as cliched and egotistical as this sounds, was written for me. About the life I should have led, or should be living... or maybe a life I've led before.

I'll keep waiting. If I spend a life in wait, it'll be tragic, but I'll keep waiting for my owl to come and whisk me off to Hogwarts... or for a wizard to come knocking on my door to tell me of 13 dwarves who need me so.

Maybe for my feet to find a hole in the ground leading to chaos and mayhem... or for my peripheral glancings to catch a child of the fey who will be overjoyed that she was seen at last.

I'll keep wandering into old Thrift Shops hoping to stumble across a magic item no one else would have seen... or a worn, torn book that'll open onto a world of my wildest dreams and innate nightmares.

I'll keep standing, calf deep in freezing ocean water, taking in the smell of adventure only present at Land's Great End, the smell of birth, of timeless age, of home, and I'll keep dreaming.

I'll write badly, and sing poorly, and dance like a bird that has just become human. And I'll continue to love (and love you) without rhyme, reason, or restraint.

And I'll smile. And I'll wait.
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Dec. 2nd, 2008 @ 12:30 pm It Coiled Restlessly on the Tip of my Tongue... then Died there.
"You know... sometimes I hate how much you make me love you."


I wonder if it's that I appear not to care as much... Or maybe it's too much that I care.

"I don't want to have hurt you for nothing."

The choice is simple. The answer is simple. It's right there, in the back of your mind.. Or maybe even right in the front, blaring its siren. It's not difficult.

Executing the next move after this realization, or, even before that, allowing yourself to realize it all the way, is the hardest part. It's the part we all trip and hesitate at.

I'm trying my best to execute as quickly as possible. Then, at least, I don't have to regret waiting... I won't have to regret lying to myself or other people.

It'll hurt. yeah. As I've said before. It'll hurt a lot. But I want it. I'm craving it. It has to be better then wondering what it is about me that is causing the hesitation. My age? My sincerity on the matter of my love? Maybe I really am coming across as cold in the attempt to not overpower him with my attachment.

It's gotten to the point where I'm wondering if it's my suggestibility. I am one of those people that dearly loves to have books handed to me, or music, because I really am too impatient to go out into the world and find the things I like... Life's too short to sift through a million crappy books to find a really really good one... so if it can be handed to me, then by all means. Music is the same way. If you show me music I like, I'll latch onto it. Yeah, it means something that someone showed it to me, but I'm not a sheep. I don't listen to CKY or Linkin Park or Evanescence because Mike Aguero showed them to me. yeah, he liked it, and some of the songs remind me of him, but I LOVE my music, It speaks to me. I like Bright Eyes not only cuz Sam showed it to me, but because the lyrics speak to me. Because Conor Oberst knows me on some level. The same goes with Michael and Loreena McKennitt, Or Moxy Fruvois (I highly HIGHLY recommend). I cannot help if a lot of the things he likes are right up my alley, so shut up about it. I was born with a silver opinion in my mouth. I don't need anyone else's to take up space.

I'm not a sheep.





That was my rant for today, the stupid suggestion of suggestibility.

When I got back on Saturday, and he was just looking at his maps, talking to himself, I was so in love it was just stupid. I feel pathetic. Happy, frustrated, and pathetic. Because somehow, I'm still sitting on the brink... Somehow...

Somehow.

Maybe I come across as a lustful creature looking only for games. Well... I do enjoy games...

Idle trickery, a bit of pandemonium, I'm planning a bit right now... have been for a tick now, and I hope it goes over well.
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Nov. 28th, 2008 @ 08:21 pm Quotes of mine from an ex-friend
Don't judge me! I'm allergic to dogs damit and I was going to get a giraffe but they just don't see the little things..." ~Bear

"Have you had sex...with a needle....that has been infected by the ebola virus?"......"DAMIT" ~Bear's Interpretation of the Blood Donation Questions


"contem... oh DAMMIT PATCH you took my word!
Awright, Constipated...... Still a C word." ~Laura~




It's a shame when you lose friends. Especially when they keep little mementos of you like they give a damn.
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Nov. 27th, 2008 @ 07:52 pm (no subject)
I'm nice and full thank you very much ^_^ and I'm hanging out with the cousins tonight!

LIST OF ACTIVITIES:

- Kings
- Murder
- Blackout?
- Egyptian Rat Screw?
- Post Secret!!
- Scary Stories
- Scary VIDEOS!!!!
- Epic times
- (Koda: Raping Mark!)
- being cooler than you.


That is all. CHRISTMAS TIME! put what you want in the comments and I will get it.

you wish you were here!

Laura
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Nov. 20th, 2008 @ 05:24 pm (no subject)
Current Location: My room
Current Mood: concerned
Current Music: McKennitt
Tags:


I'm a tad frustrated... I worry I ask too much time...

But then I asked Mike Aguero if I had been too clingy... and with a bit of bitter resentment he said I had never given him time at all...

Of course I have way too much time now...

I'll leave it alone.

When I was younger I had this idea of Arthur... and of Lancelot and Guinevere and of the like... and part of me did not want to delve farther into the story because.. well because I simply loved them all too much to find out that wasn't what they were like.

I hated Romeo and Juliet after I read the story... it ruined my concept forever. The same happened with many things... and I just never got up the time or courage to pursue whether or not my tragic heroes were not as I pictured.

 

This is folly in itself really, you shouldn't hide from things just because they are not pleasant or what you gathered... you should always consider whatever the truth is to be as it is. I also missed the chance to find that, maybe, they were more.  I had a dream... spurred by music? by words that took a bit to sink into affect?

All of a sudden I'm a kid again... my heart breaking for Arthur, but not able to hate the love between the two who loved him so... a child, his child, that became his downfall when he should have been a beginning, a hope, like children are... The humanity within them that is their strength and their bane, and only seems to sweeten their surreality with tragedy.

I think I'll give it another try.

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Nov. 20th, 2008 @ 11:23 am Justine you have to hear this.
 

On either side of the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the world and meet the sky;
And thro' the field the road run by
To many-towered Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.
Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Thro' the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.
Only reapers, reaping early,
In among the bearded barley
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly
Down to tower'd Camelot;
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers 'tis the fairy
The Lady of Shalott.
There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay,
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.
And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot;
And sometimes thro' the mirror blue
The Knights come riding two and two.
She hath no loyal Knight and true,
The Lady Of Shalott.
But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often thro' the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the Moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed.
I am half sick of shadows, said
The Lady Of Shalott.
A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.
His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode back to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
he flashed into the crystal mirror,
Tirra Lirra, by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.
She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces taro' the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She looked down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror cracked from side to side;
The curse is come upon me, cried
The Lady of Shalott.
In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining.
Heavily the low sky raining
Over towered Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And round about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott
And down the river's dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance -
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.
Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn'd to towered Camelot.
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.
Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and Burgher, Lord and Dame,
And round the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.
Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the Knights at Camelot;
But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott.

 

 
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Nov. 15th, 2008 @ 02:38 pm (no subject)
So I'm a moron. No. Really. I can't just let things alone, I have to pick and pick and pick. It's what makes me the crazy.

But it was okay to wait, okay to be patient and understanding and all that when it was "eventually." Now that I feel like it's maybe? No. I can't sleep, I can't focus on anything, I can't interact normally. Instead of fun, witty, goofy Laura, sullen Laura is just half assing through normal Laura's motions. I jump at shadows, I wonder, I doubt. I swore I'd love without fear...

So I guess that includes risking to lose without fear. I'm going to talk about it today. Not really sure why I'm upset... sifting through paranoia and intuition... finding what I need to study.

Can it really be true? That I'm too difficult to deal with? 
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Nov. 14th, 2008 @ 07:18 am (no subject)
Meghan: Laura, I figured it out.
Laura: *eyes dreamy* hmm? (listening to the fully orchestrated theme from Final Fantasy Four)
Meghan: Laura, you're going to marry music
Laura: Oh... oh I wish I could!
Meghan: *laughing*
Laura: I wish I could marry like... a trumpet or something...can't marry a trombone, I'm a trombone... wanna marry outside the family
Meghan: Are you sure you don't wanna go way outside the family? and marry like... a drum or something?
Laura: Oh no... I'd bang the shit out of a drum though...

*look at each other*

Laura: No pun intended *devilish grin* ... I gotta go write that shit down it was funny.

And so here I am.
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Nov. 13th, 2008 @ 01:49 pm Bright Eyes... So Sweet and Simple they'll break your heart
Current Location: My living room
Current Mood: worried
Current Music: First Dy Of My Life
This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain
Suddenly everything changed
They're spreadin' blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
Think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realized that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said,
This is the first day of my life,
Glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy.

So if you wanna be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time it's different
I mean I really think you'll like me...
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Nov. 12th, 2008 @ 12:19 pm Today's Discussion is...
Current Location: The Library, no one likes the Macs
Current Mood: curious
Current Music: The quiet library language and bustle.
Well it's safe to say that my southern history teacher hates e.. this is the second class I've skipped. but i'm going to have a discussion of my own, so it's okay.

My favorite book in the world, I think, at least at the moment, is IT, by Stephen King. It deals with the friends you make at 12... and the kind of person you are... how children act, and think, and are...
And I believe that the way they deal with things, the way that they love as fearlessly and recklessly as they would swing from a moldering rope into a stagnant pond full of who knows what, the way they feel things with all their hearts, without the inhibitions of shame or regret...

I believe that we should all live that way... I mean, there should be some inhibitions, based upon other people's feelings, and common courtesy, but mostly? There's not enough time.... no where near enough time to diminish who you are.

I love this preachy mother fucking journal. I hope, sincerely, no one really reads all of it... I mostly just put stuff up to work it out in my brain... there's no particular order up there, most thoughts just rampage about like separate sheets of the same thick newspaper caught up in a storm. I'll get to read random sentence fragments and see bits of pictures, but I like to be able to read the whole story, and to do that I have to write it down. It's why I have so much trouble discussing things anymore... I like to flit around my brain, chasing bits of paper.

ANYWAY, continuing, I think that IT maybe rivaled by Ray Bradbury's Something Wicked This Way Comes. But I've only read a few chapters, and it has already begun to discuss that type of friendship and the lost beauties of childhood that people are so ready to shake off, rushing to be "grownups." The way the grass smells when you're surrounded by it, letting an October wind usher your whole being into a reality of whimsy and danger, that sense of urgency that lies in the shadow of everyone's heel as they rush to some intangible destination in all quests... When the barber wells up at the thought of forgetting that he used to eat cotton candy, that he hadn't even smelled it in a long time... I thought of IT. I hope the day never comes when I forget these all important little things.

I wonder if it's the same when you realize you can't hear that high pitched scream that comes off the tv when it's on? 

Anyway,  the perfect concentration on this lesson in people is seemlessly imbedded in a tale that began as every tale should. On a night that promised a storm unlike any other, with two friends as un-alike as night and day, but soul-brothers always side by side in the reigns.

I can't wait to get farther, but I felt the need to write at least some of this down.


Later I'll try to work through that feeling of drowning I get sometimes.
I really take signs to heart. Certain songs that play, snippets of conversation I catch, events that get snagged by the reaching (logrus?) tentacles of my subconcious. Sometimes, when I'm having anxieties about something, I'll wish on clocks, or on dandelions, count thrice and spin, etc.
I don't stake my life on things like that, but... you know... just in case...

But then there are certain moments when I think "What if none of it's true. What if there's nothing binding us all together and we really are just living slabs of biological mess that die and... well... just... end?" It's like being pulled away by a rip tide... engulfed by waves, nothing but cold, salty, bitter nothing slowly drowning me in darkness, and no one can grab me.

Usually I can shake it off... because there's so much I believe that is illogical, so much around me that doesn't make sense... too many coincidences to think of them as such... for me to really believe that there is nothing everywhere. No magic? No soul? No God? Really?

In many instances... this seems entirely illogical.

But I'm rambling now, and not really taking the time to delve deeper... sometimes I become bashful towards the other people upstairs, as I have a whole party of disagreeing (and some disagreeable) people up there, so I tend to skate over what I really mean, leaving most things for givens that really aren't... much gets unsaid so really, it's just a waste of time.

Besides I hafta meet Sam! We're going to a Bright Eyes Concert today... fucking sweet. But if he doesn't sing "First Day of my Life" or "Poison Oak" I'll just cry a thousand tears. And then enjoy the rest of the concert.

Peace and Love, As Always,

Laura, The Little Sparrow



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Nov. 11th, 2008 @ 03:57 pm So I've never been the best at waiting...
Current Location: Sam's room on her computer... mine's fucking busted
Current Music: The Pandora Music Station

Patience has never been a particular virtue of mine... but, then when it really comes down to it, I know that's really all I can do. It's not my obstacle, it's not my fight, and as much as I want to help, as grim as it all seems to come out to be, there's nothing I can do but wait for the runner to get to the hurtle and jump.

I'm sure I sounded quite petulant last night. (I also sound a tad formal in this writing, which strikes me as odd... maybe it's because typing on this laptop makes me feel professional, or at least artsy, which invokes this strange and matter-of-fact voice within me... haha it's the clacking of the keys, and the way my fingers move when they skate across the silver keys... I'm really quite strange.) (I also find myself trying to type to the tempo of the 30 seconds to mars song I'm listening to rather than my own tempo... this situation combined with the fact that I'm watching my fingers and trying to concentrate on what I'm typing is making it rather difficult... *grin* you know it's cute.)

Anyway, I'm sure that, last night, I came off as too needy, or too clingy, or too melodramatically forlorn... but I am really not trying to be a martyr, and I'm not trying to belittle myself. I rather do believe that he and I would be great together as a couple. We're both quite passionate about little things... the small matters of the heart and fantastical part of the mind that seem to fall by the wayside...forgotten or deemed as useless in a world of hurry we are bustled about in. (If I'm not making sense, it's because I got distracted by the music... I might have to switch.)
Things like friendship at twelve... the bittersweet taste of irony... the heartbreaking poetry glinting woven tightly into some of the simplest melodies...

ANYWAY, before I continue prattling on and sounding like an obsessed sixteen year old, WHILE I do believe that we could be good together.... it doesn't have to be that way. If he found he could not be with me that way, then that's just the way it is. If he found that, in his heart, he wanted to be with the other girl, she's a good girl, and that's just the way it is.

He said something about it not being fair if he picked her... about me giving him something... Trust? My heart? Love? I'm not entirely sure... Maybe I missed the point completely.


But here is my earnest belief. You don't owe anyone ANYTHING except a bit of common courtesy/kindness, and HONESTY. Jesus Christ, what good is anything without honesty? I mean, seriously. Why would I want to be in a relationship where someone is with me out of obligation? I have so much more pride than that... in myself and in Love.

Love is not deserved. Ever. That's why it's so beautiful and perfect and UNIQUE. Because it is what it is, it is given and accepted based upon the heart, and the heart follows no logic or justice system.

So I wasn't doubting that he loves me... I wasn't doubting that he cares for me... I was merely saying that the choice was his... because of the ultimatum he received he has to choose between us...

I only pointed out that he had known her longer, and that he would only be missing two months of me because I felt like it was the right thing to do...

I know that he's going to really think about what he's doing... look at it from all angles, and really, really think about what he wants. I hope that, if he's going to pick me, it's without thinking about what I want... he can trust that I'm not in it just to play him, or to ruin his life... I am actually really embarrassed when people know how much I care about them because it makes me feel exceptionally... revealed, like it's something bad  *sheepish grin*, but there it is. I'm on the table, all my cards are shown, I'm all in.
If he picks her, I'll be sad... I'll definately cry, and probably beat the shit out of my heavy bag, and I'll walk for miles to nowhere, but it's not like I can hate him for picking you know? because "The Mind can Calculate, and the Soul Yearns, but the Heart knows what the Heart knows."

It's not like I can even keep hanging around him because we wouldn't be friends anymore...

Why am I writing about this? Well, for one, because I've never been the best at waiting. Two, I'm sure my friends are really tired of hearing about it, and it's really easy to work things out writing them down... like a To-Do list.

In reality, I'm most bashful about how I feel... It really is tied to the whole "scaring people away" thing. I've always been one to fall in love fully and recklessly, or fight to the death for my friends, do everything ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, and I guess that intensity level can be a bit frightening... I'm really not obsessed with this guy, he's just... like me in a lot of ways... he's also really honest, which is why I can rely on him to tell me when he's unhappy, or frustrated, or annoyed, or desperately in love. Or all of those things.

I am not really feeling as serious as the feel of this entry is... or as grim, or emotionally fragile.  Que Sera Sera loves, for serious.
I am who I am, they are who they are, and for better or worse, that won't change.

Peace and Love,

The Harlequin Archer

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Nov. 9th, 2008 @ 08:29 pm (no subject)

Humble and helpless
Learning to pray
Praying for visions
to Show me the way
Show me the way to forgive you
Allow me to let it go
Allow me to be forgiven
Show me the way to let go
Show me the way to forgive you
Allow me to let it go
Allow me to be forgiven
Show me the way to let go

Illuminate me,
Illuminate me,
Illuminate me,
I'm just praying for you to show me
Where I'm to begin

Hoping to
Hoping to reconnect to you..
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